May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
