there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
