Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
