Swine flu. Run for my life!
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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