hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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