I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
