it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
