i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
