What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
