So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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