I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
