I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
