How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Are my feet made of real feet?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
