They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
