i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
