3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
