i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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