Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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