I don't remember. Are we still dating?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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