One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
