i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
