is your mom at the bar?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize