Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
