remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
please come you make the beer taste better
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize