And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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