Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize