did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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