she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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