I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
