Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
