Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize