Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
