dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
