What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
