I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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