The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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