Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Randomize
