I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
