How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
