you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
