somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize