I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
