Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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