I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
