if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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