If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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