Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
