He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
