Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
