He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
