My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
