Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
