glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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