he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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