Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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