i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
How naked do you want me to be?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
