I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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