I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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