i would punch a child for taco bell
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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