hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
