the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
In America we eat man semen.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
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