at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
